The Colbert Report

TONIGHT: Stephen Colbert welcomes the host of Countdown with Keith Olbermann, Keith Olbermann!

TONIGHT: Stephen Colbert welcomes the host of The Al Franken Show, Al Franken!

TONIGHT: Stephen Colbert welcomes ABC News' John Stossel!

TONIGHT: Stephen Colbert welcomes Professor of Biology at Brown University, Ken Miller!

TONIGHT: Stephen Colbert welcomes the host of "This Week", George Stephanopoulos!

TONIGHT: Stephen Colbert welcomes author and blogger, Andrew Sullivan!

TONIGHT: Stephen Colbert welcomes the author of "Teacher Man: A Memoir", Frank McCourt!

TONIGHT: Stephen Colbert welcomes National Public Radio's legal affairs correspondent, Nina Totenberg!

TONIGHT: Stephen Colbert welcomes former FEMA director, Michael Brown!

TONIGHT: Stephen Colbert welcomes "Washington Post" fashion editor, Robin Givhan!

TONIGHT: Stephen Colbert welcomes the author of "Self-Made Man: One Woman's Journey into Manhood and Back" Norah Vincent!

TONIGHT: Stephen Colbert welcomes CNN commentator and the co-author of "Take It Back: Our Party, Our Country, Our Future", Paul Begala!

TONIGHT: Stephen Colbert welcomes Rev. Jesse Jackson!

TONIGHT: Stephen Colbert welcomes the author of "Manliness", Harvey Mansfield!

TONIGHT: Stephen Colbert welcomes the author of "What the Dog Did: Tales from a Formerly Reluctant Dog Owner", Emily Yoffe!

TONIGHT: Stephen Colbert welcomes the author of "It's My Party, Too: The Battle for the Heart of the GOP and the Future of America", Christine Todd Whitman!

TONIGHT: Stephen Colbert welcomes California Senator Barbara Boxer!

TONIGHT: Stephen Colbert welcomes former CIA Director James Woolsey!

TONIGHT: Stephen Colbert welcomes the author of "The Case for Peace: How the Arab-Israeli Conflict Can be Resolved", Alan Dershowitz!

TONIGHT: Stephen Colbert welcomes the author of "The Assassins' Gate: America in Iraq", George Packer!

TONIGHT: Stephen Colbert welcomes the author of Natural Radiance: Awakening to Your Great Perfection, Lama Surya Das!

TONIGHT: Stephen Colbert welcomes the author of Come Hell or High Water: Hurricane Katrina And the Color of Disaster, Michael Eric Dyson!

TONIGHT: Stephen Colbert welcomes the editor of The Weekly Standard, Bill Kristol!

TONIGHT: Stephen Colbert welcomes the author of Adventures in Missing the Point: How the Culture-Controlled Church Neutered the Gospel, Tony Campolo!

TONIGHT: Stephen Colbert welcomes the director of debate at King's College, Brett O'Donnell!

TONIGHT: Stephen Colbert welcomes author and internet blogger, Arianna Huffington!

TONIGHT: Stephen Colbert welcomes the author of The End of Poverty: Economic Possibilities for Our Time, Jeffrey Sachs!

TONIGHT: Stephen Colbert welcomes the author of The Shere Hite Reader, Shere Hite!

TONIGHT: Stephen Colbert welcomes the author of The Broken Branch: How Congress Is Failing America and How to Get It Back on Track, Norman Ornstein!

TONIGHT: Stephen Colbert welcomes the author of Born Fighting: How the Scots-Irish Shaped America, James Webb!

TONIGHT: Stephen Colbert welcomes actress, Lorraine Bracco!

TONIGHT: Stephen Colbert welcomes the author of Thank You for Smoking : A Novel, Christopher Buckley!

TONIGHT: Stephen Colbert welcomes the host of Countdown with Keith Olbermann, Keith Olbermann!

TONIGHT: Stephen Colbert welcomes the host of The Al Franken Show, Al Franken!

TONIGHT: Stephen Colbert welcomes the author of A Guy's Guide to Being a Man's Man, Frank Vincent!

Tonight Stephen welcomes Dateline NBC anchor Stone Philips.

TONIGHT: Stephen Colbert welcomes 60 Minutes correspondent, Steve Kroft!

TONIGHT: Stephen Colbert welcomes Advisor to the U.S. Presidential Envoy in Iraq, Dan Senor!

Tonight Stephen welcomes Steven Johnson, author of Everything Bad Is Good For You.

Tonight Stephen welcomes environmental politician, Robert F. Kennedy Jr.

Tonight Stephen welcomes mammologist and paleontologist Tim Flannery, author of The Weather Makers.

TONIGHT: Stephen Colbert welcomes the author of Impostor: How George W. Bush Bankrupted America and Betrayed the Reagan Legacy, Bruce Bartlett!

TONIGHT: Stephen Colbert welcomes the producer of Wal-Mart: The High Cost of Low Price, Outfoxed: Rupert Murdoch's War on Journalism, and most recently, The Big Buy: How Tom Delay Stole Congress, Robert Greenwald!

Tonight Stephen welcomes ocweekly.com's Ask a Mexican columnist Gustavo Arellano.

Tonight Stephen welcomes Bart Ehrman, author of Misquoting Jesus.

Tonight Stephen welcomes Angela "Bay" Buchanan, President of The American Cause.

Tonight Stephen welcomes the author of The Great Deluge, Douglas Brinkley.

TONIGHT: Stephen Colbert welcomes the author of No god But God, Reza Aslan!

Tonight Stephen welcomes the host of Hardball, Chris Matthews.

TONIGHT: Stephen Colbert welcomes the author of To Hell With All That: Loving and Loathing Our Inner Housewife, Caitlin Flanagan!

Tonight Stephen welcomes journalist Christpher Noxon, author of Rejuvenile.

TONIGHT: Stephen Colbert welcomes the author of Painting the Map Red: The Fight to Create a Permanent Republican Majority, Hugh Hewitt!

Tonight Stephen welcomes skateboarding legend Tony Hawk.

Tonight Stephen welcomes editor in chief for U.S. News World Report, Mort Zuckerman.

TONIGHT: Stephen Colbert welcomes the editor of The Weekly Standard, Bill Kristol!

TONIGHT: Stephen Colbert welcomes the author of American Gospel: God, the Founding Fathers, and the Making of a Nation, Jon Meacham!

TONIGHT: Stephen Colbert welcomes the author of Quit Digging Your Grave with a Knife and Fork: A 12-Stop Program to End Bad Habits and Begin a Healthy Lifestyle and the Governor of Arkansas, Gov. Mike Huckabee!

TONIGHT: Stephen Colbert welcomes the author of Chasing Ghosts: A Soldier's Fight for America from Baghdad to Washington, Paul Rieckhoff!

TONIGHT: Stephen Colbert welcomes the author of Shanks For Nothing, Rick Reilly!

TONIGHT: Stephen Colbert welcomes the author of The Shere Hite Reader, Shere Hite!

TONIGHT: Stephen Colbert welcomes editor of the New York Times, Frank Rich!

TONIGHT: Stephen Colbert welcomes editor of The Smoking Gun.com, Bill Bastone!

TONIGHT: Stephen Colbert welcomes the former Secretary of State, Madeleine Albright!

Tonght, Democratic hopeful for Senate in Connecticut, Ned Lamont.

Tonight former editor for the New Republic and author of The Good Fight: Why Liberals--And Only Liberals--Can Win the War On Terror and Make America Great Again, Peter Beinart.

Tonight former attorney and professor of philisophy Linda R. Hirshman, author of Get to Work: A Manifesto for Women in the World.

TONIGHT: Stephen Colbert welcomes the Assistant Curator and Chair, Vertebrate Zoology at the Center for Systematic Biology & Evolution, Ted Daeschler!

Tonight Stephen welcomes Dateline NBC anchor Stone Philips.

Tonight Stephen welcomes CNN's chief international correspondent Christiane Amanpour.

Tonight Stephen welcomes Cornell University scientist and author of Roving Mars Steven Squyres.

Tonight Stephen welcomes Ramesh Ponnuru, senior editor of the National Review and author of The Party of Death: The Democrats, the Media, the Courts and the Disregard for Human Life.

Tonight Stephen welcomes political commentator of PBS's NewsHour with Jim Lehrer and author of Eyewitness to Power: The Essence of Leadership Nixon to Clinton, David Gergen.

Tonight Stephen welcomes mammologist and paleontologist Tim Flannery, author of The Weather Makers.

Tonight Stephen welcomes legendary musician Neil Young.

Tonight Stephen welcomes Geoffrey Nunberg, professor of linguistics and columnist for the New York Times and author of Talking Right: How Conservatives Turned Liberalsim into a Tax Raising, Latte-Drinking, Sushi-Eating, Volvo-Driving, New York Times-Reading, Body Piercing, Hollywood Loving, Left-Wing Freak Show.

Tonight Stephen welcomes ocweekly.com's Ask a Mexican columnist Gustavo Arellano.

Tonight Stephen welcomes Bart Ehrman, author of Misquoting Jesus.

Tonight Stephen welcomes Angela "Bay" Buchanan, President of The American Cause.

Tonight Stephen welcomes comedian Martin Short.

Tonight Stephen welcomes Marc Bowden, author of Guests of the Ayatollah: The First Battle in America's War With Militant Islam.

Tonight Stephen welcomes the host of Hardball, Chris Matthews.

Tonight Stephen welcomes form CIA agents and author of Blow the House Down, Robert Baer.

Tonight Stephen welcomes actor, performer, rapper, playwright and educator Will Power.

Tonight Stephen welcomes Amy Sedaris, star of Strangers with Candy.

Tonight Stephen welcomes skateboarding legend Tony Hawk.

Tonight former defense analyst Daniel Ellsberg.

Tonight Stephen welcomes back Arianna Huffington, blogger and author of On Becoming Fearless...in Love, Work, and Life

Tonight Stephen welcomes actor Ted Danson.

Tonight Stephen welcomes Pulitzer Prize winning investigative journalist and the Reva and David Logan Distinguished Professor at UC Berkeley's Graduate School of Journalism, Lowell Bergman.

Tonight Stephen welcomes the host of Scarborough Country, Joe Scarborough.

Tonight Stephen welcomes former NBC Nightly News anchor Tom Brokaw.

Tonight Stephen welcomes journalist and author of The One That Got Away: A Memoir, Howell Raines

Tonight Stephen Welcomes the president of the Catholic League, William Donohue.

Tonight Stephen welcomes Democracy Now! host and co-author of Static: Government Liars, Media Cheerleaders, and the People Who Fight Back, Amy Goodman.

Tonight Stephen welcomes musician Randy Newman.

Tonght, Democratic hopeful for Senate in Connecticut, Ned Lamont.

Tonight former editor for the New Republic and author of The Good Fight: Why Liberals--And Only Liberals--Can Win the War On Terror and Make America Great Again, Peter Beinart.

Tonight former attorney and professor of philisophy Linda R. Hirshman, author of Get to Work: A Manifesto for Women in the World.

Tonight Stephen welcomes lawyer and co-founder of the Innocence Project, Barry Scheck.

Tonight, New York Times columnist and author of Forty Million Dollar Slaves: The Rise, Fall and Redemption of the Black Athlete, Bill Rhoden.

Tonight cultural anthropologist Alexandra Robbins, author of The Overachievers: The Secret Life of Driven Kids.

Tonight campaign director for MoveOn.org, Eli Pariser.

Tonight Stephen welcomes Ramesh Ponnuru, senior editor of the National Review and author of The Party of Death: The Democrats, the Media, the Courts and the Disregard for Human Life.

Tonight Stephen welcomes political commentator of PBS's NewsHour with Jim Lehrer and author of Eyewitness to Power: The Essence of Leadership Nixon to Clinton, David Gergen.

Tonight Stephen welcomes documentary filmmaker and host of 30 Days, Morgan Spurlock.

Tonight Stephen welcomes legendary musician Neil Young.

Tonight Stephen welcomes Geoffrey Nunberg, professor of linguistics and columnist for the New York Times and author of Talking Right: How Conservatives Turned Liberalsim into a Tax Raising, Latte-Drinking, Sushi-Eating, Volvo-Driving, New York Times-Reading, Body Piercing, Hollywood Loving, Left-Wing Freak Show.

Tonight Stephen welcomes economist and colmnist Paul Krugman, author of The Great Unraveling: Losing Our Way in the New Century.

Tonight Stephen welcomes writer and correspondent for MTV News, Gideon Yago

Tonight Stephen welcomes mathematician Janna Levin, author of A Madman Dreams of Turing Machines.

Tonight Stephen welcomes comedian Martin Short.

Tonight Stephen welcome country music star Toby Keith.

Tonight Stephen welcomes record setting Jeopardy champion and author of Brainiac: Adventures in the Curious, Competetive, Compulsive World of Trivia Buffs, Ken Jennings

Tonight Stephen welcomes ESPN's Sports Guy columnist and author of Now I Can Die In Peace: How ESPN's Sports Guy Found Salvation with a Little Help from Nomar, Pedro, Shawshank, and the 2004 Red Sox, Bill Simmons

Tonight Stephen welcomes actor, performer, rapper, playwright and educator Will Power.

Tonight Stephen welcomes New York Times columnist Frank Rich, author of The Greatest Story Ever Sold: The Decline and Fall of Truth from 9/11 to Katrina.

Tonight Stephen welcomes Democratic political consultant James Carville.

Tonight former defense analyst Daniel Ellsberg.

Tonight Stephen welcomes back Arianna Huffington, blogger and author of On Becoming Fearless...in Love, Work, and Life

Tonight Stephen welcomes actor Ted Danson.

Tonight Stephen welcomes Pulitzer Prize winning investigative journalist and the Reva and David Logan Distinguished Professor at UC Berkeley's Graduate School of Journalism, Lowell Bergman.

Tonight Stephen welcomes co-founder of Apple Computers, Steve Wozniak.

Tonight Stephen welcomes Michael Lewis, author of The Blind Side: Evolution of a Game.

Tonight Stephen welcomes union leader and author of A Country That Works: Getting America Back on Track, Andy Stern.

Tonight Stephen welcomes North Dakota Senator Byron Dorgan, author of Take This Job and Ship It: How Corporate Greed And Brain-Dead Politics Are Selling Out America.

Tonight Stephen welcomes Democracy Now! host and co-author of Static: Government Liars, Media Cheerleaders, and the People Who Fight Back, Amy Goodman.

Tonight Stephen welcomes musician Randy Newman.

Tonight Stephen welcomes journalist and author of Female Chauvinist Pigs: Women and the Rise of Raunch Culture, Ariel Levy.

Tonight Stephen reveals the winner of the Green Screen Challenge. Plus, another Tek Jansen Adventure.

Tonight Stephen welcomes Montana Governor Brian Schweitzer

Tonight Stephen welcomes lawyer and co-founder of the Innocence Project, Barry Scheck.

Tonight Stephen celebrates his 1st anniversary episode with Oxford Professor of Biology and author of The God Delusion Richard Dawkins.

Tonight Stephen welcomes former special assistant to President Bush and author of Tempting Faith: An Inside Story of Political Seduction, David Kuo.

Tonight Stephen welcomes Nobel Prize winning chemist Dr. Peter Agre. Plus Stephen talks to Jim Gilchrist, founder of The Minuteman Project.

Tonight Stephen welcomes musician Barry Manilow.

Tonight Stephen welcomes actor and politcal activist Tim Robbins.

Tonight Stephen welcomes magician Penn Jillette.

Tonight Stephen welcomes political activist Ronald Reagan Jr.

Tonight Stephen welcoms ABC News correspondent and co-author of The Way to Win: Taking the White House in 2008, Mark Halperin.

Combined with the Daily Show for the night, Stephen talks to Warren Beatty by phone, Rep. Robert Wexler via satellite and Rep. Eleanor Holmes Norton via satellite.

Tonight Stephen welcomes CNN anchor Jeff Greenfield.

Tonight Stephen welcomes the founder of FIRST and President of DEKA Research and Development Corporation, Dean Kamen.

Tonight Stephen welcomes former CBS News anchor Dan Rather.

Tonight Stephen welcomes CEO of Timberland, Jeff Swartz.

Tonight Stephen welcomes Al Franken and paleontologist Dr. Michael Novacek.

Tonight Stephen welcomes Richard Linklater, director of Fast Food Nation.

Tonight Stephen welcomes PBS News Hour anchor and author of The Phony Marine: A Novel, Jim Lehrer.

Tonight Stephen welcomes comedian Harry Shearer.

Tonight Stephen welcomes screenwriter and author of I Feel Bad About My Neck: And Other Thoughts on Being a Woman, Nora Ephron.

Tonight Stephen welcomes ESPN commentator and author of Miracle on 49th Street, Mike Lupica.

Tonight Stephen welcomes computer game designer Will Wright.

Tonight Stephen welcomes economist and co-author of Freakonomics: A Rogue Economist Explores the Hidden Side of Everything, Steven D. Levitt.

Tonight Stephen welcomes the president of New York University, John Sexton.

Tonight Stephen welcomes the fromer head of the Human Genome Project and author of The Language of God: A Scientist Presents Evidence for Belief, Francis Collins.

Tonight Stephen welcomes Princeton ethicist, animal rights activist and co-author of The Way We Eat: Why Our Food Choices Matter, Dr. Peter Singer

Tonight Stephen welcomes nationally syndicated columnist and author of The Commitment: Love, Sex, Marriage, and My Family, Dan Savage.

Tonight Stephen welcomes historian and author of Team of Rivals, The Political Genius of Abraham Lincoln, Doris Kearns Goodwin.

Tonight Stephen welcomes a writer for the Village Voice and Rolling Stone and author of Breaking Open the Head: A Psychedelic Journey into the Heart of Contemporary Shamanism, Daniel Pinchbeck.

Tonight Stephen welcomes the retired CEO of General Electric, Jack Welch.

Tonight Stephen welcomes the leader in the field of mind body medicine, Deepak Chopra.

Stephen Colbert vs the Decemberists.

Stephen opens the show disappointed that Saddam Hussein was suddenly hanged over the show's break. He responds to Lake Superior State University's ban of the word 'truthiness' in "Who's Attacking Me Now?", and gay.com's naming of Stephen as Person of the Year in "Who's Honoring Me Now?"; gives "Stephen's Sound Advice" for getting over the winter blues.

Freem replaces superstantial in the opening sequence. Stephen thanks former Archbishop of Warsaw Stanis³aw Wielgus for being caught in a Catholic Church scandal of a non-sexual nature; scorns Democrats for taking a day off Congress for the college football National Championship game, with quick suggestion of taking a day off for a Ontario Junior League Hockey game; begins new segment "We the MEdiator" to pick sides in celebrity feuds, featuring Rosie O'Donnell vs. Donald Trump, Angelina Jolie vs. Madonna, and Amitabh Bachchan vs. Shahrukh Khan; and ends the show in tribute to James Brown by declaring himself the new "hardest working man in show business".

Stephen criticizes Bush for not sending 300 million troops as Stephen advised the day before but he pardons him if this is "the only mistake he makes in this war". He then talks about illegal immigration in a new segment called "Invasion of the Country Snatchers" and about the new Democratic senator of Missouri and its liberal legislation in the Word-Segment. After the break there is a new episode of Stephen's Tek Jansen adventures.

Stephen starts with another episode of his challenge "What Number is Stephen thinking of?" with a clip from 2005. He then celebrates 5 years of Guantanamo Bay and talks to the executive director of Human Rights Watch, Ken Roth. After that he does a "Tip of the Hat/Wag of the finger", double-wagging Apple (claiming this is his first double-wag) for 1) changing their name to "Apple, Inc." and 2) bringing out the iPhone.

Wishing viewers a happy Martin Luther King Day, Stephen calls for a nationwide lie-in to refuse engaging in "anything at all", in the style of passive protest such as Rosa Parks, then attacks Senator Barbara Boxer for comments suggesting Condoleezza Rice has no personal ties to the Iraq War. Stephen praises the army for lowering recruitment expectations in order to be filled; channels last week's guest Jim Cramer for a new financial segment "Stephen's Bears and Balls" focusing on real estate, oil, Cingular's name change, soy milk, and beef jerkey.

In anticipation of Bill O'Reilly arriving in-studio on Thursday, Stephen lashes out at Jimmy the director for a squeaky chair. In a new segment "Invasion of the Country Snatchers", Stephen profiles immigration issues, from an Italian-descended anti-immigrant possible Presidential nominee, to a chain of pizza restaurants which accept pesos, segueing into Letters from Iwo Jima winning the Best foreign Film Golden Globe. In another "Stephen Colbert's Sport Report", Stephen covers David Beckham playing for Los Angeles, and an anti-Colbert movement of fans throwing teddy bears on the ice when the Saginaw Spirit played the Oshawa Generals in the Ontario Hockey League.

Still in anticipation of Bill O'Reilly arriving in-studio on Thursday Stephen is more nervous than the day before, bringing out some cherished objects he plans to show O'Reilly the next day. He then talks about the NFL play-offs with Lynn Swann, trying to trash talk all teams except the New Orleans Saints who he favors. After the break "Better know a district" continues with Washington's 3rd congressional district representative, Brian Baird.

The big day is here, so Stephen is crazy with anticipation that Bill O'Reilly will be on the show, stating that his only goal with this show was to see this day, which makes him reveal a "Mission Accomplished" banner and open the last door on his "Bill O'Reilly advent calendar" (in which he finds Geraldo's mustache). He then turns back to US politics talking about Bush's plans to rise the troop levels in Iraq. He then talks about fights between celebrities on his segment "We the MEdiator", rethinking his last week's judgements.

Stephen is disappointed at the loss by the New Orleans Saints to the Chicago "God-less killing Machines" Bears. In another "Who's Riding My Coattails Now?", Stephen calls out Bill Clinton for speaking at Knox College after Colbert already had, and artist Terence Koh for selling sperm (in his art) after Stephen's Formula 401 line. The Word is based on the refusal of Alberto Gonzales to admit a right of the people not stated specifically in the Constitution. In another "Stephen Colbert's Balls For Kidz", gambling is discussed.

Stephen explains that this is the second of two episodes they taped on January 22, so that he can host a State of the Union address party on the 23rd. Russ Lieber appears in-studio to comment on new laws of the Democrat-controlled Congress. A new Threatdown is "Media Watchdog" themed.

Lou Dobbs, author of War on the Middle Class, faces the truth hammer when he sits down to talk with Stephen.

Bill O'Reilly spills the beans on Stephen, and says what he really thought of him on his show. Stephen interviews Coach Bob Mancini of the Saginaw Spirit. And he doesn't like how he stands on the SMU dispute over Bush's library.

Colbert wins bet with mayor of Oshawa after Saginaw Spirit defeated Oshawa Generals. Colbert discusses Microsoft paying someone for Wikipedia edits, and concludes that reality has become a commodity. Wag of the finger to Scientology, which named Tom Cruise as the "Christ" of the cult.

Stephen opens the show by showing a clip from Fox News' Fox and Friends, talking about the invisible beam that makes a person think he is on fire. Stephen then talks about how he stole his neighbor's New York Times and argues with David Leonhardt about what one could do with $1.2 trillion. This is followed by a new segment, "Judge, Jury, and Executioner" and ends by revealing the new microwave (fitted with a Colbert Report logo) which he would be sending to Bill O'Reilly after stealing his earlier.

Stephen opens the show by discussing the "problem" with Global Warming and in protest replaces Bobby with a 5000 Watt heat lamp. This is followed by the return of the "On Notice" board and the introduction of the "Fantasies" board. Jane Fonda (his fantasy) and The Weather Channel are placed on notice and Lutherans and E Street Band are taken off. This is followed by the 39th installment of Better Know a District, with New York's 6th congressional district representative,Gregory Meeks.

Stephen comments on the 2007 Boston Mooninite Scare that occurred in Boston and laments the fact that he can no longer proceed with his obviously threatening-looking advertisements. This is followed by the "Movies Destroying America" segment, commenting on Steve Carrell's nomination and Ellen DeGeneres hosting. The show is ended by Stephen presenting "The Most Poetic F#@king Thing I've Ever Heard"

Stephen is ecstatic at the slaughtering the Bears underwent in Super Bowl XLI. Also, he introduces a new product "Formula 419" (A combination of his Formula 401 and 18, Peyton Manning's Jersey number). Then, Stephen notes that Stephen Jr. has returned from Canada and back into Washington (unfortunately in Washington's 3rd, where Better Known representative Brian Baird has lobbied for a new hunting law).

Stephen receives a message from Master Media International that they would be praying on his behalf on February 22. This is followed by the 40th installment of Better Know A District (Ohio's 18th with congressman Zack Space).

Stephen starts by introducing a new segment, "California Values Watch". After addressing San Francisco Mayor Gavin Newsom's recent problems. Then talks about the controversy stirred between Representatives Loretta Sanchez and Joe Baca. This is followed by the series finale of Tek Jansen.

Stephen starts by talking about the astronaut incident on the news and especially that everyone talks about Lisa Nowak wearing a diaper, admitting that he too wears a diaper during his workday. He then claims that Henry Kissinger called him to get him to run for president, which he says he will "not" do (or will he?) but he has formed an exploratory committee on whether to form an exploratory committee.

Stephen starts by dancing/singing "My Humps" behind his desk and discusses Grammys. He then talks about criticism of the Iraq War transitioning into "The Word." This is followed by a "Tip of the Hat - Wag of the Finger" segment, in which he commends Australian Prime Minister John Howard for his attack on Barack Obama, but also chastises him for attacking an American citizen.

Colbert talks about the Chinese Menace, entitling a Colbert Report special report "Apocalypse Mao: Murdered By The Orient's Success".

Stephen makes correction, that the Chinese have four times more population than the US, not three. Colbert admonishes people teaching seniors about sex. Sport Report: about the Westminster Dog Show, the Sports Illustrated swimsuit edition, and mentions that the Saginaw Spirit had reached the playoffs.

Colbert talks about how Mastermedia International will pray for him on February 22nd. Asks J. J. Abrams how his prayer day went, with photo of Jimmie "J.J." Walker showing. Then he moves on, to talking about Helen Thomas losing her front row seat at the White House press room. Interviews Candice Bergen by phone about her prayer day too. Better Know A District guest was Vic Snyder from Arkansas's 2nd congressional district.

Stephen compares Britain leaving Iraq to Britain leaving the U.S. and India - saying it will cause a flourish of Democracy.

Stephen comments on a recent report about Al Gore's energy usage. Outdoor Life Magazine fires a columnist for calling for an assault rifle ban, an action Stephen commends in the Word. Steagle Colbeagle the Eagle is named a top mascot, behind only the Toronto Raptor. As a result, the Toronto Raptors are moved from "on notice" to "dead to me." Tip/Wag: Wag to Bilk (Japanese beer + milk company), Tip to 107-year-old Chan Chi.

Colbert comments on how David Geffen has switched his support from Hillary Clinton to Barack Obama. Then he mentions how Tom Vilsack chickened out of the presidential race, and interviews him in a new segment, Profiles In Quitters. And Problems Without Solutions, special report about SAHD's (Stay-at-home dad's), which Stephen says is against nature's laws.

Mr. Colbert thanks those who prayed for him last Thursday, with his prayer hat and foam fingers. Also he comments on the coverage of the Anna Nicole Smith story. Better Know A District guest was Steve Cohen from Tennessee's 9th congressional district.

Stephen comments on how many politicians have visited Walter Reed Hospital since the scandal. Ben and Jerry appeared to promote their new ice cream flavor named in honor of Stephen. Bears & Balls segment about recent economic fluctuations. And Mara Vanderslice talked about how Democrats can adapt to reach out to Christians.

Stephen brags about winning the Mega Millions drawing, which hadn't happened yet. In this segment he also mocks Viacom CEO Sumner Redstone. Then he talks about how Lewis "Scooter" Libby was found Not Guilty on 1 of the 5 counts. In The Word segment, Colbert commends doctors who refuse to treat patients for religious reasons. ThreatDown segment: No. 1 was Gravity.

Colbert makes a rare correction about winning Mega Millions drawing, and calls his boss Sumner Redstone to grovel. The Word was about removing the military Don't Ask, Don't Tell policy. Then there was 2007's first installment of "Easter Under Attack": proposed Easter bunny name change to spring bunny. And Michael Specter talks about Vladimir Putin's suppression of and mysterious deaths of journalists in Russia.

Stephen wonders why the media is still discussing the Libby trial. Then he talks about the death of Captain America, and adds more in The Word. Better Know A District guest was John Yarmuth from Kentucky's 3rd congressional district.

Stephen upbraids Bill Gates for giving charitably to other nations while bemoaning America's faltering competitiveness. He retracts his disparaging comments about Captain America when he learns that the superhero has bequeathed him his shield.

Stephen closes the show by announcing The Word ("Goodnight"), after which the credits roll.

Colbert introduces a new segment, "When Ancestors Attack." Then he mentions how Colorado has made John Denver's "Rocky Mountain High" their second official song. Sport Report: advice on filling out March Madness brackets.

Stephen celebrates the last St. Patrick's Day ever! Then he moves on to how Latin America has so many rabid admirers of President Bush, with comments from Esteban Colberto. In the 44th installment of Better Know A District, the guest was Phil Hare of Illinois's 17th congressional district.

Stephen talks about the latest attack in DC, on him, by Rahm Emanuel.[2] The Word refers to South Carolina proposing to allow prisoners to donate organs to reduce jail time. Threatdown: 5.Angry seniors, 4.Dancing seniors, 3.Time Magazine, 2.Fertility clinics, 1.the FDA. And the "Alpha Dog Of the Week" was awarded to Robert Hancock of Carterville, Illinois.

While unveiling threat # .5 as an addendum to yesterday's threatdown, Stephen finds himself in agreement with a German environmentalist over the euthanasia of Knut, a polar bear cub at the Berlin zoo, until Stephen becomes suddenly enamored when viewing footage of the cub. Later, Colbert collects on a hockey bet with the mayor of Oshawa, Ontario, wherein this day would become "Stephen Colbert Day" in the town; the day was chosen to be the same day as the mayor's birthday.

In the 45th installment of Better Know A District, the guest was Maurice Hinchey from New York's 22nd congressional district.

Debate over DC-residents voting bill with Congresswoman Eleanor Holmes Norton. Criticism over Chicago Sun-Times face reading expert Rose Rosetree's interpretation of Stephen's facial features. Phone conversation with Coach Bob Mancini of the Saginaw Spirit about the Ontario Hockey League playoffs.

Stephen expressed his anger that a severed mummy hand was recently sold at auction, but not to him; the hand was the earliest example of we're No. #1. In response to Rahm Emanuel's practice of discouraging fellow congresspeople to decline interviews with Stephen Colbert, Stephen played an interview of him conducted by PBS's Gwen Ifill rife with potential misinterpretations.

Stephen chided Sean Penn for his blunt criticism of the Bush administration. Stephen discusses Iran, specifically a clash over religion, with former US Secretary of State Madeleine Albright who took the opportunity to promote her new book The Mighty and the Almighty: Reflections on America, God, and World Affairs.

Stephen displayed his disappointment at the elimination of Paulina Porizkova from Dancing with the Stars, especially given that her husband Ric Ocasek is a friend of the show. Stephen discussed oil found in the Arctic Ocean near Russia, and an attempt to add Italy to the Axis of Evil led to an uncharacteristic breakdown. Later, Stephen discussed the N-word with author Jabari Asim, who wrote a book on the subject.

First, Stephen questioned the necessity of the Equal Rights Amendment, since everyone should be on the honor system. Later, Stephen cited the promulgation of John McCain that Sadr City is much safer than it was three months ago thanks to the military surge, despite the first-hand reports by Michael Ware that it is not safe for an American to leave the Green Zone. In response, Stephen suggested that Americans think of Iraq's capitol as Neverland.

Colbert celebrates the 4th anniversary of the liberation of Baghdad, while he eats his "Stephen Colbert's Americone Dream" ice cream. He continues to eat it through the show. And announces that is now the number one flavor of Ben and Jerry's. He also runs an empty microwave in response to a family's attempt to live a "no environmental impact" lifestyle. Also in a fake radio show, Stephen insults Hungarians, reminiscent of the Don Imus scandal.

Stephen scolded the 15 British sailors whom after recently returning from captivity in Iran were seeking to publish accounts of their experience. In "The Word", he talked about America's bogus health care crisis. Stephen then changed the subject to an ethnic remark that he made against Hungarians on his fictional radio show, Colbert On the Ert (pronounced "air"), in which he described Hungarians as "those paprika-snorting ghoulies."

Stephen introduced the latest eponymic animal, Stephanie Colburtle, one of the leatherback sea turtles being tracked from Costa Rica to the Galapagos Islands. In "The Word", Stephen revisited Monday's story about the 15 British sailors; in response to a British colonel making the distinction between the soldiers' experiences and reality TV, Stephen devised the notion that perhaps Americans should "make the war a reality show" to achieve success in Iraq and to prepare for a future "spin-off in Iraq."

Stephen criticized Democratic senator Harry Reid for using "politicizing the war in Iraq" by citing a translation of a recent speech by Pope Benedict XVI. In "The Wørd," Stephen praised the president for proposing a new "war czar" position that would "chiefly be in command" of managing wars. Later aired a video describing Stephen's building manager Tad's quest to find a female companion for Stephen Jr., the eponymous bald eagle being tracked by GPS.

Stephen begins by issuing a correction for having called Boyd K. Packer the "Mormon Pope" or "Mope," when he is more of a Mormon Cardinal, or "Mardinal." Colbert then compares Don Imus' firing with upcoming testimony of Alberto Gonzales before Congress regarding the U.S. Attorney firings scandal.

Stephen announced that he will be having a metaphor-off with Sean Penn on Thursday's show. Update on Stephanie Colburtle the turtle who was in 2nd place at the time of broadcast on the race to the Galápagos Islands, by some logic "proving Darwin wrong." Short mention of Iraqi insurgents.

On Who's NOT honoring me now, Stephen complained that he was not being awarded a Pulitzer Prize in journalism. In "The Word," Stephen suggested the corporate sponsorship of the War on Terror since the "War on Terror is more than a name." Video showed promoting bovine growth hormones in dairy cows.

Stephen balks at a scientific study saying that chimpanzees are more evolved than humans in DNA. On "The Word," he talks about John Edwards' $400 haircut and considers him going over to the Republican party. Colbert then interviews Sean Penn, and leads to a Meta-Free-Phor-All hosted by Pinsky (the decider of topics for the rounds used humorous pictures and sound effects in the style of The Daily Show's "God Machine," which Colbert usually took part in).

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The first act opens with a remembrance of Boris Yeltsin. Stephen continues with a combative interview with Eleanor Holmes Norton regarding a recent bill to give the District of Columbia a vote in the U.S. House of Representatives. In "The Word," Stephen comments on EPA Administrator Stephen Johnson's announcement that the Bush Administration's anti-global warming efforts are delivering "real results".

Colbert decides that a new name is necessary for the long war, and comes up with Freemerican Victernity Made in China. He then backs the idea of having illegal immigrants fight in the armed services in exchange for citizenship. He points out his position on the cover of GQ, then complains about the Four Horsemen of the A-pop-calypse: movies, television, music, and books.

Stephen is unhappy at the fact that Stephanie Colburtle The Turtle did not win The Great Turtle Race, after being bested by another turtle named Billy. He claims Billy is a male, and demands a re-race. (After explaining that one can tell the sex of a turtle by the concavity of its plastron, Stephen says that he checks the plastron on "all [his] dates, and if it's not concave, [he is] outta there."

"It's the last day of April. One more month 'till Speedo season! Do your squats. This is The Colbert Report.

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From the previous episode, Stephen again mentions the possibility that his ancestors were Jewish. He then discusses perceived inflammatory speech on the Daily Kos website and interviews the website's founder, Markos Moulitsas. In the "Monkey on the Lam" segment, Stephen talks about a capuchin monkey that picked the lock on his cage door at a zoo in Tupelo, Mississippi for the second time in two weeks. He then discusses Attorney General Alberto Gonzales' failure to meet his potential. Finally, Stephen interviews Michael Wallis about the Lincoln Highway.

Stephen begins by asking people not to watch his interview with Richard Branson on August 22, which has been reported in the media as a "trainwreck." Stephen then interviews Mike Huckabee, claiming that he came second in the Iowa Straw Poll due to his appearances on The Colbert Report, and what Stephen claims is the "Colbert Bump."

Stephen continues to attack wrist violence, and says the worst offender in "Wrist snuff" is Steven Seagal. He also announces that his "WristStrong" wristbands are now available from colbertneation.com, and all proceeds go to help the Yellow Ribbon Fund. Stephen introduces a new segement, "Nailed 'Em", focusing on successful stories in the criminal justice system.

Stephen starts with the \"Smokin\' Pole: The Fight for Arctic Riches\" segment, where he attacks Canada\'s claim to the Northwest Passage through the Arctic, claiming it belongs to the United States. In \"The Word,\" Stephen attacks WikiScanner claiming it prevents corporations from editing their own entries, and describes Wikipedia as, \"Second Life for corporations\".

In \"Colbert Platinum\", he talks about the shutting down of a helipad in Saint-Tropez and the growing demand for champagne. He then interviews Richard Branson about Virgin America and \"Air Colbert\". However, as the interview goes on, Branson and Stephen throw water over each other.

Stephen reviews the Iraq War and Dick Cheney\'s role in advocating it. He then interviews Thomas E. Ricks about the war. Stephen then talks about his broken wrist and shows a documentary film entitled Fractured Freedom: The Stephen Colbert Story. He announces that several people had signed his cast, including Nancy Pelosi, Tim Russert, Tony Snow, Brian Williams, Bill O\'Reilly and Michael Bloomberg.

Tonight Stephen welcomes the former director of the Environmental Assessment Institute and author of Cool It: The Skeptical Environmentalist’s Guide to Global Warming, Bjorn Lomborg.

Tonight Stephen welcomes humorist and author of Pontoon: A Novel of Lake Wobegon, Garrison Keillor.

Tonight Stephen welcomes the chancellor of New York City Schools, Joel Klein.

Tonight Stephen welcomes actor and environmental activist and co-author of Grassroots Rising, Ed Begley jr. Also Stephen talks with Father James Martin, author of My Life with the Saints, over recent revelations regarding Mother Teresa having doubts about God.

Tonight Stephen welcomes actress and activist and the co-star of In the Valley of Elah, Susan Sarandon.

Tonight Stephen welcomes feminist and author of The End of America: A Letter of Warning To A Young Patriot, Naomi Wolf

Tonight Stephen welcomes legal writer and author of The Nine: Inside the Secret World of the Supreme Court, Jeffrey Toobin.

Tonight Stephen welcomes New York Times columnist and author of The World is Flat [Updated and Expanded]: A Brief History of the Twenty-First Century, Thomas Firedman

Tonight Stephen welcomes retired attorney and author of Playing For Pizza, John Grisham.

Tonight Stephen welcomes opera singer Nathan Gunn, whose new CD is Just Before Sunrise.

Tonight Stephen welcomes the chief film curator of the Museum of Moving Image, David Schwartz.

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